Battlefield

why does love always feel like a
battlefield.

Writing/blogging again feels strange. Perhaps had I not given into the somewhat innate nature of mine to procrastinate & dillydally, the words might flow more smoothly; sifting through my mental vocabulary for the appropriate words to weave a story might not have been such a struggle either.

Perfectionist genes: cue mental sigh.

I realize my initiative to blog has somehow averted directions; interesting how time creates a space for you to mould and shift the constructs of your life. Keeps life interesting I suppose :)

I settled in to catch the last half hour or so of Titanic, my contented belly filled slightly too much over the brim. (buffet style, shame on you for expecting any less of me. (:) I kid. Anyway, minutes later I find myself clicking my way to blogger, (right now), thinking.

Thinking. Writing;

Years later having watched the exact same movie for the umpteenth time, James Cameron has once again managed to tug my heartstrings in four separate directions, leaving me both breathless and slightly agonized. Fiction it may be, but the story that is the love between Jack & Rose is simply breathtaking.

Typing this I can almost feel my heart leaden with heaviness with the knowledge that 1500 people died that night; out of the 6 boats, only one came back.

ONE.

Sometimes I really don't know why I put myself through all this -.- knowing that later I will be experiencing emotions one does not quite fancy feeling right before bedtime. Same with Jodi Picoult books; she lures me in with her victimized characters & heartbreaking plot, shattering little pieces of my heart everytime I read a chapter.

By the end of it I'm left with a pile of mush. I should just sweep myself up in the beginning and save myself the hassle. This is the kind of internal struggle I put myself through, brilliant.

I suppose the thing that always draws me to things like that is the idea of the frailty of humanity. Yet somehow beneath the flawed, lies an amazing strength and power to love, to survive.

I guess it's because underneath my facade of cynicism and skeptical-ness, it's these fabrications that ignites the hope deep within me; sometimes you just have to believe and have faith. :)

Open Your Eyes

all these feel strange and untrue
that i won't waste a minute without you.

As surreal as it is, the final week, no day of sem 2 is here. Following next week's SWOT VAC and exams, I would have bid my first year as a uni student farewell. I don't know why this is coming off as sounding nostalgic, there's still 2 years to go.

Perhaps deep down, I know thing's just won't be the same.

Just as I'm writing this with fingers poised slightly above the keys, I'm actually experiencing a flurry of emotions; so much so that I'm rendered somewhat speech(maybe word is more appropriate)less. It's oddly unsettling.

Maybe, in a nutshell, I had unraveled along the way; shuffling my thoughts, beliefs & emotions along with me in a tidal wave of uncertainty and bitterness. How ironic is it that I spent an entire 12 weeks educating myself about the formation of identities in children when I myself have somehow lost touch of my own. Life is funny like that I guess :)

On an unrelated note, if you can't learn to laugh at yourself (which I believe is an aspiring quality to have), sometimes the people around you can do it for you :) Ah friends.

I suppose there is no concrete solution to the insurmountable questions we I have sometimes. I think way too much -.- However, a personal remedy of mine (& you can feel free to rip this off if you wish, no charges will be held): put on a Hillsong's track, wallow & cry for awhile, dry yourself up, read the Bible, pray (or write in a prayer journal), submit to Him and have some ice cream :)

Somehow, everything feels a little brighter and better after prayer. There is peace that transcends the knowledge of mankind. And the ice cream doesn't hurt either (:

A more positive note! :)

I miss everyone :( I really do.

A gentle reminder

Dancing Queen

The broken clock is a comfort,
it helps me sleep tonight

I can now safely write with the peaceful knowledge that my last macro assignment is finally complete; signed, sealed & delivered. It is with all honesty completely beyond me how, again, I have managed to finish this relatively on time considering this one was more last minute than the rest.

Mmm truly a testament to His unwavering faithfulness :) Thank you, thank You ever so much.

So! Lots&lots has transpired over mid-term break! It started off with a bang coming back from LTC retreat & it definitely ended with a grandslamkabam :) This was probably the most eventful (read:expensive) break as well, one ceaseless fun activity after the other. Definitely zero regrets, despite the somewhat shallow(er) pocket & niggling guilt-trip conscience.

I'm tempted to withdraw into routine & dish out another "too many things has happened for me to remember" excuse, but I think I'll take the road less traveled (this time at least) & briefly recap the blissful twoweek break! Personally I believe it pays to have the more significant memories written down, if ever I choose to revisit this point of time in my life, I know it'll all be right here collecting virtual dustbunnies.

Note: very long wordy update ahead, proceed at own risk. :)

First week of break could probably be summed up as slightly uneventful, up till Friday at least. Highlight of the week was probably ticking marketing assignment off our imaginary checklist & dinner with V on Tuesday :) Heart-to-heart's & crema ice-cream is a combination you can never go wrong with.

Friday was when the real term break began! H chose to grace me with her Adelaide presence with lunch & Brunetti's after. I hadn't realize how much I missed having an old high school friend around to chat about random nonsense intermixed with ACTUAL relevant updates. (Ditto when V popped by from Brisbane) Cheers babes, we make good teams :) Maybe next round I'll fly up to Adelaide or Goldcoast!

The weekend + Monday was time well spent up(or down?) in Torquay, our very own resident choice for cell retreats. Although this was an entirely different experience altogether! The whole 3 days were saturated with laughter, very yummy food, Charles the chauffeur, lazy 1,2,3, murderer(s), pokerface, Heart attack & speed, fast&slow captains ball, mangoman, special taboo dances with special effects squeak rhythms, dora the explorer and HEAPS of memories that will last me a lifetime :)

I probably just mentioned a whole chunk of information not many will understand; still, veryvery precious moments indeed!

Tuesday was picnic & quality time with A & D :) ah i love them, super adore hanging around them as a couple. I'm like the most comfortable third-wheel ever! Once the sun disappeared, I met D & M for our long-awaited jazz bar excursion (lol). Unfortunately like many of life's ironic moments, we ended up detouring from our original destination (not by choice though) and landed in LaLaland, literally.

Despite the empty atmosphere, I reckon the combination of not-so-bad music, good drinks & more importantly a skipthedrybits girl talk made it a perfect night :) So much so that we ended up walking the streets at 1.20am. Thanks girlies for walking me back :) Still as paranoid as ever, sigh. Chronic disease.

Thursday (this is exciting!) was SURFING. After much deliberation & plans changing and heaps of help from DD, we finally made it up to Torquay to surf! It wasn't so much the actual experience of surfing though that made it fun, because I barely spent much time on the board itself, let alone attempting to stand on it -.-, but rather the company that made the whole trip, tiring as it was, so worth while :)

NB: I want the girl to ask me to marry her! (or something along the lines of that)
Girls: *flow of indignant responses* Are you serious?
NB: Nolah, I paiseh if she has to get down on her knees and beg.

Well way too much was shared in the car trips up and down. This is definitely something I won't be forgetting for a long while :) I'm already looking forward to next year's trip in summer! Should be heaps better with warmer sun.

All in all twas a very good break indeed :) thank You God, because You never disappoint.

A brand new season

My hiding place,
my safe refuge.

ksmimages.blogspot.com

:)

Change my heart

Let your Spirit come in Power,
change my life

A random moment of ____. I wasn't sure of an articulate objective to finish the phrase; rather than focus on my lack of vocabulary knowledge, think of it as an open ended sentence where you're free to make the sentence whatever you want it to be :)

That hardly made sense, but I'm going to amuse myself & give myself the benefit of the doubt :) Because i quite like me. Yes.

Cliche's are overused for a reason; because most of the time they prove to be true. To say that LTC '09 was (brace yourselves, here it comes) a day/night to remember is an understatement. I have seen, heard, felt, touched, and grown the past 5 Saturday's/Sunday more than I ever have since coming to Melbourne.

What a way to begin mid-term break eh? :)

Don't get me wrong, I have experienced plenty since stepping foot here. But it's the intangible things that I have come to learn and embrace the past 5 weeks.

Awhile back I wrote about change; well change is here. :)

Keeping to true fashion, I will not disclose the events or experiences that happened throughout my journey in LTC & retreat. Something as precious as the memories I have had the absolute pleasure & privilege of having should definitely be explained over a cuppa ice chocolate & some cheesecake; preferably in a cosy setting where we could be expected to remain there for hours on end, talking till daylight breaks.

I am plenty excited for the journey ahead; for all of us as a new generation that has been destined to rise up & serve. Can you feel it?

Change.

The Bad Fish Paradigm

tear down the walls, see the world
is there something we have missed

Because I heart all things sticky & note-y. :)

&& anything drenched in maple syrup + ice cream <3>